Some days are just not worth getting up for.

How can you move on when you taken an oath to stand by someone until they die? You have given your all to that person and it doesn’t seem like enough. You are completely exhausted raising two kids, getting your masters and helping your husband through school who just ain’t making it.

The world today would tell you to get rid of him. He is doing nothing but bringing you down. He won’t do homework at school or send resumes in. He believes that is your job. In the back of your mind there is no way you can leave him. You took an oath before God. After all you stood by him that time in March a year ago when he betrayed you. How could you leave him over something so stupid? Is it just too much to ask for?

I love him don’t get me wrong. Sometimes it is just so frustrating to be a nurturing wife. You start getting your life back together and it feels like your world begins to crumble.

What makes a child fearless? What makes them so trusting of people?

Thinking back to the events at family camp, what makes Ashton do the things he does? Why does he let someone lift him up a tall pole and then put him on the zip line for him to go plunging through the woods? Why does he jump into a swimming pool that is over his head? Why would he follow the older boys through the woods on his bike?

What happened to me as an adult? I would be scared to death to do those things. Never would I climb a pole and drop to the ground. Never would I jump off into water over my head without my life jacket. (If you notice I always stay in the shallow end.) Never would I follow someone into the woods on a bike trail. Does life experiences change this? If we are suppose to have trials in our life, why do they cause us to fear the world and everyone in it? Maybe it is because once we start to believe, we can look back on those experiences and see what could have happened if we only would have trusted God.

Starting July 20th, I am going to make a leap of faith. Am I scared, YES! I have to do it in order to be obedient to my God. He has been putting this on my shoulders for years. I am tired of holding all that heavy baggage. We are going to tithe the whole 10%. This is very scary for me and I have been struggling with this for years. I have been scared to do it. How will I pay for everything that I have? RENT, DAYCARE, CAR PAYMENT, UTILITIES, FOOD! How will they get paid? It is hard to support a family on 4 on a teacher’s salary. I just never saw how I could do it. I still don’t. You hear of people saying don’t worry about it, God will take care of it. I just couldn’t take the chance. I know not taking a chance on God is pretty stupid. Well, we are going to try it. Just pray for me because this is a big step that I have to make. It is time for me to be as fearless as Ashton.